DEEP, DARK, DEMOLISHED IN OBLIVIATION
DEEP, DARK, DEMOLISHED IN OBLIVIATION
DEEP, DARK, DEMOLISHED IN OBLIVIATION
My internal epiphanies,
shine bright as gold.
I’m so cold,
i’m so cold.
My hair flowed in pretty little waves behind me, I touched them softly and they made me forget things that shouldn’t be forgotten.
I gathered up my frizzy brown hair. All tangled up in knots. Dusty and dry from bad dreams the night before. I climbed up out of bed, feet on the ground. Hands massaging deep bags under my eyes. I grabbed my coat. And licked my lips a bit. I knew the answer when you asked me how I was. I always do. See, I’m never okay. I never sleep good. When I wake up, I find myself with dried tears in my eyes. Dreams being my biggest flaw’s. Because when I do remember them, They tear me to pieces. People keep talking, I haven’t really heard a thing. I’ll keep a smile on my face, It puts me in my place. I don’t always know what your talking about I usually just pretend I do.
I think I’ve realized yet again how I hate all the men in the world that have successfully brought me down so low. God, I’m nothing anymore. “DON’T SLEEP TIL YOUR DEAD.” Wasn’t that what they said? Kick your shoes off and raise your head up some.
I just want to vomit up my fucking life and be dead again. I’m sure you’re mad at me, so the thought crossed my mind, your disguise can’t fool me. So never expect much out of a man you really trust. Tapping fingers and fancy whores the love we’re busy dreaming of, achieved no more.
By mid afternoon today all the snow had melted away. Sending me spiraling into a vast empty nothing. These walls are caving in again. And it’s funny cause no ones as happy as they think they are. It’s too sunny outside, too sunny for me.
When I was younger you used to write to me. Shattered letters covered with crimson thoughts. Always speaking in such a tone, using words so simple. People always have a senseless knack as to tell an infinite amount of stories all about people I have never known.
Kneel before you keel.
You said I was strange, And then I complemented you on how interesting you looked and your cheeks turned a rosy red, and you bit your lip til it bled.And I decided when I got older and bored-er I would get a black cat. I’ll name him Poe.
Dying an ugly death and never knowing the way out until you’re finally gone. Are they looking at us or through us? You’ve got a hole in your heart, thats what I said. You look like you might be sad as me when I can’t sleep at night. And when I sleep all day. And I get so attached to famous people with hearts like ice.
I had a huge string of bad dreams. Airs tumbling all through my hair, I feel like I felt you and it hurts me just as bad. You talk about the most boring things, and quite frankly I’m glad as hell I’m being ignored. Graveyards look so damn dull to me. Grey rocks, dead, dead, dead. And the living tread all over there grass, and they don’t feel a thing. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be. When you die I mean, you just die and your buried. And for all eternity your in a fucking hole somewhere.
I’m feeling artsy as hell. Maybe I just need to prove myself. Get up and shout. Make sense without a doubt. Listen with my yearning ears. Drive faster when the end is near. I couldn’t say yes any clearer. Life hit me like a bullet one day . I lost it all in one quick wink, you wanted me so bad you couldn’t think. That whole day was a blur and it hurt me so bad. So fucking bad. And maybe the ecstasy didn’t work because I was so sad. I’ve never hurt that bad.
You’ve still struck me again, as a transparent monster. That echoes all my fears. I’m quite unclear. Like a puddle, my reflection returns a blurry mess, but its all madness. And it all makes so much sense. I can never tell if your listening to me. And if I make sense at all.
I’m not doing my work like I should be. People still chatting all around me. And some days can’t even compare to others. I’ll walk off today with my head in the clouds. So please don’t bother me. You know when everyone stands up and walks off around you, while your still sitting down, you know that feeling? I think that’s how life is in one swift moment.
Things that senselessly tear me to pieces:
No missed phone calls. Having no hand to hold. Calling excessively with no successful answers. Strangers informing me that you we’re loving someone else that night. That sick, crushed, torn feeling I got when I realized that it was true. And that you we’re too selfish and too wasted to answer your phone. You turned it off instead. Memorizing your voicemail, and my heart that skipped beats full of pure hopelessness every time my phone rang. Every time it wasn’t you. Having to tell said stranger at the same party, to have you call me. When I answered, the same “Hey, Baby” I was always greeted with. Hearing your other lovers voice in the background. Shushes, and drunken giggles. Broken, shattered hearts. Just mine though, right? When you said it was over. When I cried, and cried, and cried and kept asking you why. You fucked up, that’s what you said.
I would never be the same again.
November 15th;
I am destroying nothing but myself. Not you and me. Just me. I can feel that blood, all that blood trickling down my tiny bony legs. I get so nervous everytime I lick my finger because you kept doing that to me and kept on asking me if it felt good, if it felt good, if it felt good. It didn’t feel good. Now I try never to feel good. Because I see no beauty in what should’ve felt good to me that day.
